Carpe Dinner


Okay, bear with me for a moment here: I want to talk about carp. Yes, carp. Specifically, Asian carp. Have you seen or heard about these things? They're UNBELIEVABLE. Not only are Asian carp an invasive species that can devastate a waterway ... I don't think most people know how aggressive they are. They actually jump out of the water and punch people in the face. I know I'm a comedian, but I'M NOT KIDDING. They breed in huge numbers, crowd other fish out of the water, and then they have the nerve to fly into the air and smack people in the head. Don't believe me? Just Google the words ASIAN CARP HITTING PEOPLE IN THE FACE. I'll wait.

2014 03-12 Carp
2014 03-12 Carp

I mention this because last month I had the honor of speaking before the Illinois Valley Chamber of Commerce, and those poor folks are dealing with a huge invasion of Asian carp in the Kankakee river. But I told them, listen, I know it's a cliche, but every problem is an opportunity. You need to start thinking out of the box here. If life gives you carp, make carp-flavored lemonade.

Specifically — I think there's a reality show to be had here. You know how there are guys who stick their hand in a hole and grab a fish? That's a highly compelling visual. But you know what's better than that? People in boats being attacked by swarms of flying fish who are punching them in the head. YOU CAN'T MISS WITH THAT.

Call the network executives! I'll give 'em the pitch myself! I've even got the title. Move over Kitchen Nightmares ... here comes FISHIN' NIGHTMARES!

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